Public Bathrooms

Well at least we're still in 2013.

But life has been a tad distracting, and I've been procrastinating more than a *little* lately, so every video that I record (I can count at least six) never actually gets uploaded to my channel. I'm not sure whether I've lost the enthusiasm I initially had for maintaining a video blog of my transition, or if I just don't feel comfortable enough talking about some of the things on my mind - but regardless, my updates are just not happening.

Something that's been on my mind for the last week - which again, doesn't always bother me - is using public bathrooms. I don't use a STP (Stand-to-Pee Device) so I have to use a stall - and granted, I've been feeling more comfortable about doing this in public places (like restaurants and movie theatres) but those bathrooms are often much larger and you don't have to really brush past anyone on your way to and from your business. My problem and source of serious depression is the smaller bathrooms - namely one in particular that's located at the office where I temp. People there know that I'm trans, which adds a lot of pressure to an already awkward situation - and I often feel that if the men know that I'm walking in there, they avoid using the bathroom until I'm done. I've had two men actually leave the bathroom before they finish - and I'm guessing it's because I make them feel uncomfortable which makes *ME* feel uncomfortable and incredibly depressed. The bathrooms at the office are incredibly small - you literally walk in the door and the urinal is right there and the single stall is right on the other side of that - so you have to walk within five inches of whomever is currently peeing in order to get inside. There is no "zone of comfortable ambiguity" that comes with using the bathrooms at work, and I find myself miserable - whether it's from the depression of going to the bathroom and having someone leave, or *having* to use the restroom and choosing to wait several hours in order to use it at home.

This really isn't something that always bugs me, because I don't always temp - but it's something I just can't avoid when I do. I don't know how to compartmentalize my feelings on the matter, and it generally brings me down pretty low by the end of the week. That being said, I also feel some pretty *high* highs when I use public restrooms. It's this hurdle that I haven't been able to cross in the past, and I'm now comfortable enough with myself and my physical appearance to go ahead and jump it. Mind you, I'm still nervous - *always* nervous, wondering if someone is internally questioning why a guy is peeing in a stall, but I know that's ridiculous and I get past it pretty quick. After all - I know that many men choose stalls over urinals for the sake of privacy. And, to paraphrase something Burton Guster said on the USA television series Psych, "Peeing sitting down is good for circulation". So there you have it.

2013!!!

I'm edging my way into 1yr and 2 months on T! I still can't believe it's been so long. I'm so grateful for all the love and support my dad and smom have given me. They have given me something to look forward to. I've been feeling pretty good for the last year despite minor setbacks with my mom and her family - but recently I've been feeling mighty depressed and it has nothing to do with that.

I feel like I'm sabotaging my life by sitting on my ass and doing nothing. I am a chronic procrastinator. But I'm taking steps to correct this. I've updated my Careerbuilder resume and I'm going to beat the shit out of that site until it coughs something up I can use. I'm also going to spend more time on my short story. I need to finish edits and start submitting to websites and publishing companies. I *will* be a published author one day.

I've been updating my youtube more frequently (nothing like my bloggr :P) so you should go check it out.

I want to be more active in the LGBT community too. I haven't gone to a New Boyz Club meeting in a couple of months and I haven't even seen my therapist since November. I don't have any reason to be avoiding them, but it seems to be a consistent thing for me. I could probably use a therapist to help me deal with that. xD

Well, happy belated new year and all that jazz. Hope 2013 has been kind to you all. Here's my 1 year on T video that I posted back in February!

11 Months on T and STILL failing at these updates!!

Check it out! One month away from a YEAR on T! I am super psyched, and feel so blessed for coming this far with the love and support of my dad and smom!

I've updated my vlog a few times but failed to share the links here, I'm very sorry - but you should go and check them out if you're curious. I'll include my latest post, though, as it is a show and tell of sorts on Testosterone shots and Chestbinders (and it only took me 11 months to do it :P).

This year I will work harder to update more frequently, and I definitely want to finish up my journal blog. It's just unbearably depressing and I tend to ignore it because of that. Sorry if anyone out there is actually legitimately interested in finding out how it ends.

Here's to the new year!

Procrastination and Updates

I haven't updated in over two months!!! I posted a "2 Months on T" vid over on YouTube but never got around to sharing it here, so I'll just drop it here. Be mindful that it is dated information, seeing as I made it in April!

I'm planning on making a "4 Months on T" vid on or around the 14th, because I'm a slacker and have much to share! One thing I can't wait to share, is that I got my gender marker changed with the DOL. FINALLY!!!! I'm seriously bouncing off the walls here. I was so freaked out when the letter came, and I know my dad was anxious to know what it said, but I opened it alone in my room 'coz I wasn't sure what to expect. Just... wow. One more thing to get out of the way! I'm going to wait until my new Drivers License comes in the mail before I change my Birth Certificate. And once that's done, I need to head back to Social Security and have my gender marker changed there! AH SO MANY THINGS TO DO! But it's happening! It is! I'm so excited!!! Can't you tell with all the exclamation points I'm using?!!! ^_^

Mmmph...

It sure does suck when you're soaring pretty high and then go SMACK right into a telephone pole of reality. I just gotta tell myself that it's a hiccup - a bump in the road of life. I wonder what my therapist will have to say.

Chest binding is really, all about validation. When I wear a binder, I feel great because it makes my chest flatter and it hides these damn breasts. But when I can't bind - whether I'm washing a binder, or in my current predicament where my chest is starting to ache (from overuse or the wrong size, I don't know), I feel absolutely horrible because there's just no way for me to hide these breasts. It's not just from others - I've done layers in the past - I excelled in baggy clothes for a few years, but it's also hiding them from myself. When I'm not binding, I'm hyper aware of my chest and it serves as a harsh reminder of what I was given at birth and what I'll be stuck with for even longer.

So where do I stand? I can bind and be miserable and depressed or I can not bind and be miserable and depressed. If I had the money I would be at a surgeon's door begging for top surgery. But I don't, and I have to find a middle ground to balance myself and just... cope. I wish I had a group meeting to look forward to, but that's a week away. I don't think my therapist can help me much with this, but it's worth taking a stab at it. That's what she's there for, right? Helping me deal with life and stay on the right path.

2nd shot in the thigh, I am the mighty Finn!

Oh HAI. Surprised to see me updating sooner than later? ME TOO. The title for my latest vlog pretty much sums up what I talk about. Things I left out include - my mom and lack of updates on gender marker changing. What can I say, it's slow going on two fronts
1) My therapist has been busy and the psychologist she needs to talk with about a gender marker letter has been on vacation
2) The Birth Certificate people make me leave messages and always call back when I'm unavailable. MERR.

As far as my mom is concerned, she is being a loving and supporting parent by insisting I can talk to her about anything and then refusing to comment (or BLINK even) when I do. I mean, really, WTH. Maybe I'll vent about it on Friday when I see my therapist. And then my mom. If I don't update again after this weekend, you'll know I didn't survive something - either talking with my mom or the two full days I've been asked to babysit my niece. Good lord, why did I say yes to that? A cat I can live with (and have!) but a baby? That is not on my to-do-list.

Well, that being said - here is my latest vlog, hope you have a better weekend than me!

Vlog 5: "Bday Chestbinders and T Oh My!"

Being Out With My Family

+ My Dad's side of the family pretty much consists of:

 Liz my sMom
 Adam my sBro
 All of Liz's family
 Kayla my sister
 Steve her partner
 and Rosalea my niece

And they ALL know about me being transgender. My step aunt called me and congratulated me over the phone. I fucking love her.

As for my mom?
 It's pretty much her. She told me she talked to my aunt about it back when I came out to her, to ask for advice on whether she should tell her husband about it. The answer was NO of course, but mom later told me she DID tell her husband. But I say 'just my mom' because she is as always a slinky spineless homebody who is only good at one thing in life - IGNORING EVERYTHING. I will get back to that later.

I'm lucky with my dad and sMom because everyone in their family is LGBTQIA friendly. I owe a lot of that to my cousin who came out ten or so years ago. When he did, he ended up with a crazy awesome rainbow flag waving mother - much like Michael's mom in QAF. That really opened the door for everyone else and now they're all pretty chill.

My mom's side of the family are Christians and Catholics. The worst kind too - narrowminded singly driven bible thumping creatures that bottle away everything that doesn't fit in their perfect religious vision and they overuse the term "blacksheep" when referring to family members who went against the grain. That doesn't happen TOO often of course, because as I've said, they ignore bad stuff. It makes life simpler.

Now, back to my mom and her being pretty much the only one in her family who knows about me... well, she said she talked to my aunt, but she also said she talked to her husband. And I just found out today that Derp face Jerry only knows about my name change. THIS is where I did the most extreme eyeroll in existance. HE'S UPSET AND DOESN'T WANT ME OVER OR WANT TO TALK ABOUT ME BECAUSE I'M GETTING MY NAME CHANGED. Big - ass - lol time people. So, that pretty much tells me what she told my aunt. Why do I know this? Because she also told me that she's changing her Will to include my new name but also another ammendment that says she doesn't want a service. WHY doesn't she want a service? Why, because she doesn't want to "upset her family" because they don't know about me. I might have sounded more than a little angry, but it wasn't for the reason you might think. I wasn't mad that she hadn't talked to anyone on her side of the family, or at the fact she immediately changed her wording and said she didn't want my feelings to be hurt by them - I was mad because she wants to avoid a funeral all together because of ME. I told her that was crazy and that she needed to stop living for other people and to make decisions that would make her happy. I don't give a flying rat's ass if her family hate me. I don't want someone to NOT have a funeral because of me. I wouldn't fucking go to that funeral in the first place!

Anyway, it was through this conversation that I learned about Derp face only knowing about my name change and I've been rolling my eyes ever since. Her family is batshit crazy IMO. And Jerry is the king of crazy. How can someone be so stupid as to get upset and refuse to see another person because of a name change? The whole time I thought it was because he was a homophobic bastard. I was giving him too much credit. Needless to say, I'm glad my sMom has such a wonderful and loving family and that they're all supporting me. My mom told me last weekend that I could always talk to her about anything on my mind, and that she loved and supported me. Maybe in her mind she is doing that, but when I look at Liz, and Dad and Kayla, I see what REAL love and support look like.