Minor delay - my therapist caught her kid's cold. We had to reschedule for Tuesday. As far as sleep goes, I took a lovely pill called "Temazepan" and was able to get a good 8 hours. It was of course, interspersed with minor tossing and turning, but I'm okay with that.

I got into a heated discussion with my best friend last night. It was about... *drum roll* therapy and how he thinks it's necessary for people to make sure they'll be happy physically changing themselves with testosterone. I don't disagree with that. I think I've come to the exhausted conclusion that the only reason I'm so against it, is that I'm tired of trying to explain myself to people, and trying to prove day-in and day-out that I am a man. My dad and smom are amazing people and they accept me for who I am, but there are other people who make me feel like I'm not normal - that I clearly must have mental issues and that's why I've got to see a therapist. I've felt this way for as long as I can remember - before I had words for it, and I'm just so tired of it. It's the beginning of it all - I realize that now. I thought coming out would end this feeling, but truthfully I'll have to face it for a long time coming. Not everyone understands what being transgender means, and many more (like my mom) don't believe in it. It's a mental illness and a sin and apparently I've got a nice house with a view of a lava pit in hell waiting for me when I die.

My therapist is a very nice woman. I'm glad I can talk to her about this, and I trust that she wants to help me. I just have to remember that. And I just gotta wait a few more days for our first real session.

Where's my head at?

I haven't been able to sleep well the last two nights. I just toss and turn, and lay wide awake. I'm anxious about something, but for the life of me I can't figure out what. I know the feeling. It's like I'm going to hyperventilate or be sick, or some mix of that. I want to sleep, I'm really tired - but the second I'm not distracting myself with various odds and ends, I'm freaking out all over again. Last night I kept repeating "tomorrow will be a good day" in my head, and I think it helped a little bit, 'coz I got more sleep than the night before, but it didn't fix anything.

Tomorrow is my first real session with my therapist. Maybe I'm freaking out about that? God, I don't know. I don't think I am - it's not on my mind when I'm trying to sleep, but maybe it's a subconscious thing. Hell, I'm feeling anxious right now - it's an antsy thing, where I want to get up and jog in place or do SOMEthing. But no matter what I do, the feeling is still there.

Greetings!

Hola, I'm Finn - I'm 26 years old and transgender. In my mind I am 110% man. It's just my body that seems to disagree with me. I decided I'd try making a blog here to post my videos on as I make them, to give me some place to keep all of my thoughts organized. I tried livejournal but that place just doesn't do it for me anymore. Before that, I'd been writing my thoughts out in a journal (two actually, that's how much crap I had to say about it) but I wasn't finding that as helpful anymore. It became more of a nuisance and I was internalizing my thoughts way too much because of it. In an attempt to be a more positive person, I've decided to share my journey as a trans man online, in hopes that it might help at least one person along the way. Having a spot on blogger will allow me to post videos as well as any additional thoughts I may have along the way. It'll also allow me to follow various other blogs that I like (such as my sister's spiritual community and a pretty bad ass Sherlock fan and author).

I'm just dumping my vblog updates here. From this point on I'll update each time I upload a new one, to spare you from too many blocky entries. The most recent is at the top. I'll be updating my vlog again soon, seeing as I saw my psychiatrist for the first time today. I'm thinking that if I wait a week I'll probably have more to say on the matter since I'll be seeing her again next Friday.

- Finn

Update: 10/27/11

Vlog 2: "Docs and Shops"

Vlog 1: "Coming Out"