I'm planning on making a "4 Months on T" vid on or around the 14th, because I'm a slacker and have much to share! One thing I can't wait to share, is that I got my gender marker changed with the DOL. FINALLY!!!! I'm seriously bouncing off the walls here. I was so freaked out when the letter came, and I know my dad was anxious to know what it said, but I opened it alone in my room 'coz I wasn't sure what to expect. Just... wow. One more thing to get out of the way! I'm going to wait until my new Drivers License comes in the mail before I change my Birth Certificate. And once that's done, I need to head back to Social Security and have my gender marker changed there! AH SO MANY THINGS TO DO! But it's happening! It is! I'm so excited!!! Can't you tell with all the exclamation points I'm using?!!! ^_^
Friday, June 1, 2012
Procrastination and Updates
I haven't updated in over two months!!! I posted a "2 Months on T" vid over on YouTube but never got around to sharing it here, so I'll just drop it here. Be mindful that it is dated information, seeing as I made it in April!
I'm planning on making a "4 Months on T" vid on or around the 14th, because I'm a slacker and have much to share! One thing I can't wait to share, is that I got my gender marker changed with the DOL. FINALLY!!!! I'm seriously bouncing off the walls here. I was so freaked out when the letter came, and I know my dad was anxious to know what it said, but I opened it alone in my room 'coz I wasn't sure what to expect. Just... wow. One more thing to get out of the way! I'm going to wait until my new Drivers License comes in the mail before I change my Birth Certificate. And once that's done, I need to head back to Social Security and have my gender marker changed there! AH SO MANY THINGS TO DO! But it's happening! It is! I'm so excited!!! Can't you tell with all the exclamation points I'm using?!!! ^_^
I'm planning on making a "4 Months on T" vid on or around the 14th, because I'm a slacker and have much to share! One thing I can't wait to share, is that I got my gender marker changed with the DOL. FINALLY!!!! I'm seriously bouncing off the walls here. I was so freaked out when the letter came, and I know my dad was anxious to know what it said, but I opened it alone in my room 'coz I wasn't sure what to expect. Just... wow. One more thing to get out of the way! I'm going to wait until my new Drivers License comes in the mail before I change my Birth Certificate. And once that's done, I need to head back to Social Security and have my gender marker changed there! AH SO MANY THINGS TO DO! But it's happening! It is! I'm so excited!!! Can't you tell with all the exclamation points I'm using?!!! ^_^
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Mmmph...
It sure does suck when you're soaring pretty high and then go SMACK right into a telephone pole of reality. I just gotta tell myself that it's a hiccup - a bump in the road of life. I wonder what my therapist will have to say.
Chest binding is really, all about validation. When I wear a binder, I feel great because it makes my chest flatter and it hides these damn breasts. But when I can't bind - whether I'm washing a binder, or in my current predicament where my chest is starting to ache (from overuse or the wrong size, I don't know), I feel absolutely horrible because there's just no way for me to hide these breasts. It's not just from others - I've done layers in the past - I excelled in baggy clothes for a few years, but it's also hiding them from myself. When I'm not binding, I'm hyper aware of my chest and it serves as a harsh reminder of what I was given at birth and what I'll be stuck with for even longer.
So where do I stand? I can bind and be miserable and depressed or I can not bind and be miserable and depressed. If I had the money I would be at a surgeon's door begging for top surgery. But I don't, and I have to find a middle ground to balance myself and just... cope. I wish I had a group meeting to look forward to, but that's a week away. I don't think my therapist can help me much with this, but it's worth taking a stab at it. That's what she's there for, right? Helping me deal with life and stay on the right path.
Chest binding is really, all about validation. When I wear a binder, I feel great because it makes my chest flatter and it hides these damn breasts. But when I can't bind - whether I'm washing a binder, or in my current predicament where my chest is starting to ache (from overuse or the wrong size, I don't know), I feel absolutely horrible because there's just no way for me to hide these breasts. It's not just from others - I've done layers in the past - I excelled in baggy clothes for a few years, but it's also hiding them from myself. When I'm not binding, I'm hyper aware of my chest and it serves as a harsh reminder of what I was given at birth and what I'll be stuck with for even longer.
So where do I stand? I can bind and be miserable and depressed or I can not bind and be miserable and depressed. If I had the money I would be at a surgeon's door begging for top surgery. But I don't, and I have to find a middle ground to balance myself and just... cope. I wish I had a group meeting to look forward to, but that's a week away. I don't think my therapist can help me much with this, but it's worth taking a stab at it. That's what she's there for, right? Helping me deal with life and stay on the right path.
2nd shot in the thigh, I am the mighty Finn!
Oh HAI. Surprised to see me updating sooner than later? ME TOO. The title for my latest vlog pretty much sums up what I talk about. Things I left out include - my mom and lack of updates on gender marker changing. What can I say, it's slow going on two fronts
1) My therapist has been busy and the psychologist she needs to talk with about a gender marker letter has been on vacation
2) The Birth Certificate people make me leave messages and always call back when I'm unavailable. MERR.
As far as my mom is concerned, she is being a loving and supporting parent by insisting I can talk to her about anything and then refusing to comment (or BLINK even) when I do. I mean, really, WTH. Maybe I'll vent about it on Friday when I see my therapist. And then my mom. If I don't update again after this weekend, you'll know I didn't survive something - either talking with my mom or the two full days I've been asked to babysit my niece. Good lord, why did I say yes to that? A cat I can live with (and have!) but a baby? That is not on my to-do-list.
Well, that being said - here is my latest vlog, hope you have a better weekend than me!
1) My therapist has been busy and the psychologist she needs to talk with about a gender marker letter has been on vacation
2) The Birth Certificate people make me leave messages and always call back when I'm unavailable. MERR.
As far as my mom is concerned, she is being a loving and supporting parent by insisting I can talk to her about anything and then refusing to comment (or BLINK even) when I do. I mean, really, WTH. Maybe I'll vent about it on Friday when I see my therapist. And then my mom. If I don't update again after this weekend, you'll know I didn't survive something - either talking with my mom or the two full days I've been asked to babysit my niece. Good lord, why did I say yes to that? A cat I can live with (and have!) but a baby? That is not on my to-do-list.
Well, that being said - here is my latest vlog, hope you have a better weekend than me!
Vlog 5: "Bday Chestbinders and T Oh My!"
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Being Out With My Family
+ My Dad's side of the family pretty much consists of:
Liz my sMom
Adam my sBro
All of Liz's family
Kayla my sister
Steve her partner
and Rosalea my niece
And they ALL know about me being transgender. My step aunt called me and congratulated me over the phone. I fucking love her.
As for my mom?
It's pretty much her. She told me she talked to my aunt about it back when I came out to her, to ask for advice on whether she should tell her husband about it. The answer was NO of course, but mom later told me she DID tell her husband. But I say 'just my mom' because she is as always a slinky spineless homebody who is only good at one thing in life - IGNORING EVERYTHING. I will get back to that later.
I'm lucky with my dad and sMom because everyone in their family is LGBTQIA friendly. I owe a lot of that to my cousin who came out ten or so years ago. When he did, he ended up with a crazy awesome rainbow flag waving mother - much like Michael's mom in QAF. That really opened the door for everyone else and now they're all pretty chill.
My mom's side of the family are Christians and Catholics. The worst kind too - narrowminded singly driven bible thumping creatures that bottle away everything that doesn't fit in their perfect religious vision and they overuse the term "blacksheep" when referring to family members who went against the grain. That doesn't happen TOO often of course, because as I've said, they ignore bad stuff. It makes life simpler.
Now, back to my mom and her being pretty much the only one in her family who knows about me... well, she said she talked to my aunt, but she also said she talked to her husband. And I just found out today that Derp face Jerry only knows about my name change. THIS is where I did the most extreme eyeroll in existance. HE'S UPSET AND DOESN'T WANT ME OVER OR WANT TO TALK ABOUT ME BECAUSE I'M GETTING MY NAME CHANGED. Big - ass - lol time people. So, that pretty much tells me what she told my aunt. Why do I know this? Because she also told me that she's changing her Will to include my new name but also another ammendment that says she doesn't want a service. WHY doesn't she want a service? Why, because she doesn't want to "upset her family" because they don't know about me. I might have sounded more than a little angry, but it wasn't for the reason you might think. I wasn't mad that she hadn't talked to anyone on her side of the family, or at the fact she immediately changed her wording and said she didn't want my feelings to be hurt by them - I was mad because she wants to avoid a funeral all together because of ME. I told her that was crazy and that she needed to stop living for other people and to make decisions that would make her happy. I don't give a flying rat's ass if her family hate me. I don't want someone to NOT have a funeral because of me. I wouldn't fucking go to that funeral in the first place!
Anyway, it was through this conversation that I learned about Derp face only knowing about my name change and I've been rolling my eyes ever since. Her family is batshit crazy IMO. And Jerry is the king of crazy. How can someone be so stupid as to get upset and refuse to see another person because of a name change? The whole time I thought it was because he was a homophobic bastard. I was giving him too much credit. Needless to say, I'm glad my sMom has such a wonderful and loving family and that they're all supporting me. My mom told me last weekend that I could always talk to her about anything on my mind, and that she loved and supported me. Maybe in her mind she is doing that, but when I look at Liz, and Dad and Kayla, I see what REAL love and support look like.
Liz my sMom
Adam my sBro
All of Liz's family
Kayla my sister
Steve her partner
and Rosalea my niece
And they ALL know about me being transgender. My step aunt called me and congratulated me over the phone. I fucking love her.
As for my mom?
It's pretty much her. She told me she talked to my aunt about it back when I came out to her, to ask for advice on whether she should tell her husband about it. The answer was NO of course, but mom later told me she DID tell her husband. But I say 'just my mom' because she is as always a slinky spineless homebody who is only good at one thing in life - IGNORING EVERYTHING. I will get back to that later.
I'm lucky with my dad and sMom because everyone in their family is LGBTQIA friendly. I owe a lot of that to my cousin who came out ten or so years ago. When he did, he ended up with a crazy awesome rainbow flag waving mother - much like Michael's mom in QAF. That really opened the door for everyone else and now they're all pretty chill.
My mom's side of the family are Christians and Catholics. The worst kind too - narrowminded singly driven bible thumping creatures that bottle away everything that doesn't fit in their perfect religious vision and they overuse the term "blacksheep" when referring to family members who went against the grain. That doesn't happen TOO often of course, because as I've said, they ignore bad stuff. It makes life simpler.
Now, back to my mom and her being pretty much the only one in her family who knows about me... well, she said she talked to my aunt, but she also said she talked to her husband. And I just found out today that Derp face Jerry only knows about my name change. THIS is where I did the most extreme eyeroll in existance. HE'S UPSET AND DOESN'T WANT ME OVER OR WANT TO TALK ABOUT ME BECAUSE I'M GETTING MY NAME CHANGED. Big - ass - lol time people. So, that pretty much tells me what she told my aunt. Why do I know this? Because she also told me that she's changing her Will to include my new name but also another ammendment that says she doesn't want a service. WHY doesn't she want a service? Why, because she doesn't want to "upset her family" because they don't know about me. I might have sounded more than a little angry, but it wasn't for the reason you might think. I wasn't mad that she hadn't talked to anyone on her side of the family, or at the fact she immediately changed her wording and said she didn't want my feelings to be hurt by them - I was mad because she wants to avoid a funeral all together because of ME. I told her that was crazy and that she needed to stop living for other people and to make decisions that would make her happy. I don't give a flying rat's ass if her family hate me. I don't want someone to NOT have a funeral because of me. I wouldn't fucking go to that funeral in the first place!
Anyway, it was through this conversation that I learned about Derp face only knowing about my name change and I've been rolling my eyes ever since. Her family is batshit crazy IMO. And Jerry is the king of crazy. How can someone be so stupid as to get upset and refuse to see another person because of a name change? The whole time I thought it was because he was a homophobic bastard. I was giving him too much credit. Needless to say, I'm glad my sMom has such a wonderful and loving family and that they're all supporting me. My mom told me last weekend that I could always talk to her about anything on my mind, and that she loved and supported me. Maybe in her mind she is doing that, but when I look at Liz, and Dad and Kayla, I see what REAL love and support look like.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Out With The Old & In With The New!
I've been typing up old journal entries from 2009 to 2011 on a second blog titled "Barely There: A Transgender Story". I wanted to share - I think mostly because I'm sick of keeping everything internal. You can probably see that by the extreme amount of angst and self hate in those entries. It's funny, but having come out and jump starting my HRT, I kind of forgot how miserable I was, because being open and honest and OUT has really made my life a bigger, brighter and better place. So many of my journal entries were soaked in angst, self-hate and choking resentment. I most definitely DON'T blame or hate anyone that I mentioned in them, even if it sounds like it - most especially my closest friends. I think, having stayed in my head for so long, I began to feel bitter towards the people closest to me - as if to say, "Why haven't you noticed how miserable I am?" But I should have known then, that it wasn't their fault. I was the one who kept this all to myself. They had no way of knowing, and it would have been awful if they had asked me before I was ready to come out.
Alright, having gotten THAT out of the way, I'm happy to say that I got my first shot of T today! On Valentines Day, no less! Here's my latest vlog entry where I talk about my shot, and the name changing process that I'm still barreling my way through.
I hope you all have as fantastic a day as I'm having!
- Finn
Vlog 4: "Happy T Day! My 1st Shot!"
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
And more to come!
Wow, the last time I updated was in November? I am horrible at this! Well, I figured it was about time to upload another vlog to let you all know what's going on in my life. A lot has happened since I came out - it feels like ages ago.
A coworker was asking me a whole load of trans-related questions today while we collated. It was... a little awkward? But since she's sincerely curious and ridiculously supportive I figured I'd do her the favor of answering as best I could. The other women working with me had a few questions once she got the ball rolling and it made for quite a memorable envelope stuffing session. Answering people's questions can seem tedious some times, and it may grate on the nerves, but if no one is willing to listen and try to clear up confusion, it will be damned near impossible to build a reliable trans-ally army.
- Finn
Vlog 3: "What's What"
A coworker was asking me a whole load of trans-related questions today while we collated. It was... a little awkward? But since she's sincerely curious and ridiculously supportive I figured I'd do her the favor of answering as best I could. The other women working with me had a few questions once she got the ball rolling and it made for quite a memorable envelope stuffing session. Answering people's questions can seem tedious some times, and it may grate on the nerves, but if no one is willing to listen and try to clear up confusion, it will be damned near impossible to build a reliable trans-ally army.
- Finn
Vlog 3: "What's What"
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