It sure does suck when you're soaring pretty high and then go SMACK right into a telephone pole of reality. I just gotta tell myself that it's a hiccup - a bump in the road of life. I wonder what my therapist will have to say.
Chest binding is really, all about validation. When I wear a binder, I feel great because it makes my chest flatter and it hides these damn breasts. But when I can't bind - whether I'm washing a binder, or in my current predicament where my chest is starting to ache (from overuse or the wrong size, I don't know), I feel absolutely horrible because there's just no way for me to hide these breasts. It's not just from others - I've done layers in the past - I excelled in baggy clothes for a few years, but it's also hiding them from myself. When I'm not binding, I'm hyper aware of my chest and it serves as a harsh reminder of what I was given at birth and what I'll be stuck with for even longer.
So where do I stand? I can bind and be miserable and depressed or I can not bind and be miserable and depressed. If I had the money I would be at a surgeon's door begging for top surgery. But I don't, and I have to find a middle ground to balance myself and just... cope. I wish I had a group meeting to look forward to, but that's a week away. I don't think my therapist can help me much with this, but it's worth taking a stab at it. That's what she's there for, right? Helping me deal with life and stay on the right path.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
2nd shot in the thigh, I am the mighty Finn!
Oh HAI. Surprised to see me updating sooner than later? ME TOO. The title for my latest vlog pretty much sums up what I talk about. Things I left out include - my mom and lack of updates on gender marker changing. What can I say, it's slow going on two fronts
1) My therapist has been busy and the psychologist she needs to talk with about a gender marker letter has been on vacation
2) The Birth Certificate people make me leave messages and always call back when I'm unavailable. MERR.
As far as my mom is concerned, she is being a loving and supporting parent by insisting I can talk to her about anything and then refusing to comment (or BLINK even) when I do. I mean, really, WTH. Maybe I'll vent about it on Friday when I see my therapist. And then my mom. If I don't update again after this weekend, you'll know I didn't survive something - either talking with my mom or the two full days I've been asked to babysit my niece. Good lord, why did I say yes to that? A cat I can live with (and have!) but a baby? That is not on my to-do-list.
Well, that being said - here is my latest vlog, hope you have a better weekend than me!
1) My therapist has been busy and the psychologist she needs to talk with about a gender marker letter has been on vacation
2) The Birth Certificate people make me leave messages and always call back when I'm unavailable. MERR.
As far as my mom is concerned, she is being a loving and supporting parent by insisting I can talk to her about anything and then refusing to comment (or BLINK even) when I do. I mean, really, WTH. Maybe I'll vent about it on Friday when I see my therapist. And then my mom. If I don't update again after this weekend, you'll know I didn't survive something - either talking with my mom or the two full days I've been asked to babysit my niece. Good lord, why did I say yes to that? A cat I can live with (and have!) but a baby? That is not on my to-do-list.
Well, that being said - here is my latest vlog, hope you have a better weekend than me!
Vlog 5: "Bday Chestbinders and T Oh My!"
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