Well at least we're still in 2013.
But life has been a tad distracting, and I've been procrastinating more than a *little* lately, so every video that I record (I can count at least six) never actually gets uploaded to my channel. I'm not sure whether I've lost the enthusiasm I initially had for maintaining a video blog of my transition, or if I just don't feel comfortable enough talking about some of the things on my mind - but regardless, my updates are just not happening.
Something that's been on my mind for the last week - which again, doesn't always bother me - is using public bathrooms. I don't use a STP (Stand-to-Pee Device) so I have to use a stall - and granted, I've been feeling more comfortable about doing this in public places (like restaurants and movie theatres) but those bathrooms are often much larger and you don't have to really brush past anyone on your way to and from your business. My problem and source of serious depression is the smaller bathrooms - namely one in particular that's located at the office where I temp. People there know that I'm trans, which adds a lot of pressure to an already awkward situation - and I often feel that if the men know that I'm walking in there, they avoid using the bathroom until I'm done. I've had two men actually leave the bathroom before they finish - and I'm guessing it's because I make them feel uncomfortable which makes *ME* feel uncomfortable and incredibly depressed. The bathrooms at the office are incredibly small - you literally walk in the door and the urinal is right there and the single stall is right on the other side of that - so you have to walk within five inches of whomever is currently peeing in order to get inside. There is no "zone of comfortable ambiguity" that comes with using the bathrooms at work, and I find myself miserable - whether it's from the depression of going to the bathroom and having someone leave, or *having* to use the restroom and choosing to wait several hours in order to use it at home.
This really isn't something that always bugs me, because I don't always temp - but it's something I just can't avoid when I do. I don't know how to compartmentalize my feelings on the matter, and it generally brings me down pretty low by the end of the week. That being said, I also feel some pretty *high* highs when I use public restrooms. It's this hurdle that I haven't been able to cross in the past, and I'm now comfortable enough with myself and my physical appearance to go ahead and jump it. Mind you, I'm still nervous - *always* nervous, wondering if someone is internally questioning why a guy is peeing in a stall, but I know that's ridiculous and I get past it pretty quick. After all - I know that many men choose stalls over urinals for the sake of privacy. And, to paraphrase something Burton Guster said on the USA television series Psych, "Peeing sitting down is good for circulation". So there you have it.
